Bitch Tits

That's right, Bitch Tits. No pithy title. No tongue in cheek, or tongue on boob, as it were. Just. Pure. Natural. Bitch Tits.

For guys, there is no harsher diss in the English language than this phrase.

We all age. It's true. I have seen the evidence. We lose our muscle tone. In men, our hair recedes - a "reverse flanking maneuver" (as they say in the military), our stomachs becoming enlarged - beer gut, our asses flatten to 2 dimensions, like a thinly pounded phone book. We can deal with these things, it's the loss of our amazing pectorals that reduces us to tears, like ladies watching a Steel Magnolias marathon. Manly tears, mind you, but tears nonetheless.

Case in point, look at the examples below.

"How's it going cue ball?"
"Who loves ya baby?!?"

"Jesus, Bob! What's with the kegger you're carrying in front of you?"
"I'm so fit! I have me here a TWELVE PACK, Son!"

"Your wife being chewing your ass out again, Frank? 'Coz you have none left!"
"Tell me about it brother! When I take the bus, I HAVE TO stand up ..."

Now, the difference below.

Two dodes* are in the locker room after a game. They are both getting dressed when one turns to the other and says. "Damn!!! Nice bitch tits you got there!"

The proverbial record skips. The silence is deafening.

"What did you just say?"
It is ON! A crowd quickly gathers. A cobbler starts building bleachers so that all can attend this throwdown .

"Um..."
"Yeah, that's what I thought you said. I'll have you know. I was in Nam! I took shrapnel in my heart, my lungs, and my spleen! The doctor's never thought I would recover. The metal tore through my organs and muscles. My life was spared, but I can never regenerate the muscle in my chest again..."
"Frank, you're 29 years old ! You weren't even born when Nam ended."
"Oh, now you calling me a liar?"
"Yeah..."
"Did I say Nam? I meant, um. Desert Storm! Back in 1991 !"
"Dude, don't you mean Dessert Storm. Pass the ice cream Sundaes and the Jello trough. More Cheetohs for all my men! I gots me an appetite. Nevermind that you would have been 11 years old at the time. Want to try again?"
Barely held back tears. Deep breath. "You know you crossed the line right? I mean there are RULES? Yes?"
Stop. Pause. "You're right Frank. Never again. I was way out of line. I'm sorry. Shake on it?"
Frank finishes getting dressed. He walks over and they shake.
"Ok. We're good, baldy!"
"Make it so Number 1 !"

*Curtain Falls.

See. Women, have it easy. With the magic of botox, hair weaves, extensions, toners, that there Pilates, or was that Pirates of Pains Ass? Anyway, women have options. Getting older and don't like how your boobs look? Get implants! The gents will be more attentive and you will be the envy of all your girlfriends (who will secretly plot against you and try to get a bigger cup size when they go for their puppy implants). Dudes don't have that option. We either hit the gym or hide our heads in shame under a XXX Giants sweatshirt.

Bitch tits indeed...

The only man that has been able to get away with Bitch Tits in recent history. Is Ric "Nature Boy" Flair. And those be Tits of Power!



dode - an over abundance of dudes . As in, "let's jet. This party has too many dodes in it!"